I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
