i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
