I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Well I just put wine in my tea
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Randomize
