I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
