life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
accomplished twins. life is a go
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize