If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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