I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
