i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
that may or may not have been my penis.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
