can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
