I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
