Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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