I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
40s are totally the cure
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
