I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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