Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
