I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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