Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
