I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
