We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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