update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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