I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize