Dude my mom stole all your condoms
True but thats because hes a fetus.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
