Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Even my vagina gasped.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
