Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize