The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
