i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
