When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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