we have pet lesbian snakes
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
