I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
