Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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