I skipped work to stalk him.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
