when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Someone shattered a urinal.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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