Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
