guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
