my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm passing your future prison.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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