my sisters under your porch take her home
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize