Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just invented taco cereal.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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