I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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