It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
