I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
