I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
