No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
