i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
