What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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