He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
not ubering you a puppy
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
