Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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