Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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