i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
