i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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