I wish I only lived at night.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
