I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
