when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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