I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
