that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
