so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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