my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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