His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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