I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
