Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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