Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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