He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
