My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Randomize
