Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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