The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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