My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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